Saturday, December 16, 2006
Its been more than a year since i left home..... rather.... was forced to leave home..Work took me to Coimbatore and then Kolkata where i am for more than a year.... 13 months to be exact.
Most of my classmates and friends are in their own state of "transition".They are leaving the city for higher studies......they are going out of the country, GRE/GMAT etc etc.......... I am pretty sure that most of them will never return to india for good. Ech one will in time find his/her own excuse... "not enough money in india" .."the red tape in india is stifling"."the work quality in india is low " etc etc.
All are reasons that i agree and understand..... within a period of time Home boys wil become visitors....... India will become nothing more than a "vacation spot" for them and their family. yearly vacations will be mainly to "keep in touch with their culture", or only for family events like marriages or births
I realise that i have been wandering for way too long.... i wander...... and i am lost (i think)
I want to go back home....... as soon as possible.
The problem is that once i get back........ i am sure that the Bangalore i knew no longer exists..... all the guys i used to meet on a regular basis will prolly be half a world away.... and will remain there for a long time to come.
There's no further let down than to fight a war and return home alive...... to an empty town.......
sans people. sans familiar faces... sans everything
Thursday, October 05, 2006
First time wearing pants to school......no its not what u think... my school had a shorts only(for boys OBVI) rule till 7th std ...
Learning to "secretly like" someone.... love her even.. making up my mind to "not to tell it to anyone" ...probably because i did not have the guts...or maybe common sense(for lack of a better word ) prevailed.. trying to let go……..and succeed in keeping it a secret.......till today.... until now
The love affair with quizzing continues….parents deciding not to enrol me into a NEW school because they thought the females wore really short skirts ( pinafores actually ) me fighting and raising seemingly crappy arguments about the extra curricular activities of that school and their strong academics etc etc when ALL I WAS BOTHERED ABOUT WAS THE PINAFORES
The first signs of a moustache appear.... prompting “lotsa jokes” amongst friends….i would have my turn soon.....
The adventure with the WWW and the Internet begins, my first email id firstname.lastname@example.org , learning to type crap in the mIRC chat rooms (heh heh ) posing in as women trying to see how desperate men really are.... and getting
astounded everytime..... and by women too !!!
again ….STILL keeping the "secret" a secret....... loving and longing....again….not yet fully letting go of things...and then bowing out...having lost gracefully... without muttering a word...... still feeling good at having DONE the right thing (or so I think)
seeing the home PC make its appearance in the homes of friends..i would have to wait till 3rd year of engineering for "My First PC". the home gets a telephone(minus the STD/ISD facility), all the trappings of a seemingly middle class upbringing
Get into my first serious old man type hobby........ going cycling without any idea about where i am going....... just cycle as far as the road takes me...... only to fid out one day that i have reached the other end of koramangala ring road :) then cycling all the way back.... not going to school the next day because my legs just stiffened like wood
First time someone on my street got a UPS system for their entire home, now we could watch cricket matches WITHOUT having to pray for continuous power supply.
A few friends leaving..... the core bunch still remained........ rather STILL remainS...
Sorting out minor squabbles in the group as guys begin to like the same girl, or for that matter girls fighting over the same guy.
First issue of Debonair, playboy, penthouse...... wishing we were Americans JUST for that reason
"Rakhi" fever begins in school with guys "mysteriously" falling sick on that day......abd not turning up. and the girls were in in FULL ATTENDANCE..... me attended class with absolute confidence.....and a polite "no"
"Valentine's day" makes its debut...., a day of either great joy or great sorrow to teenagers ..... I once again am more than happy to stand and watch from the bylanes on the rooftops......a bird's eye view is all that i got........ or WANTED.
"Sister's day" (I think sister's day is the Teenage male’s Rakhi :) talk about gender equality........ ) .I have seen females too miss class on that day........ have seen a few of them who came...... leaving in tears....... its really depressing when someone wants to cry and CAN’T..... the look on their faces.... tells a million tales
Figuring out that females(classmates) in saris look REALLY OLDER than they actually are.... being bowled over by a few of them.... me looking like pure brown trash :) STILL DO
Becoming the group captain.... would have been voted Head Boy if not for my disciplinary record or so said the teachers.... which suited me just fine as i hate to remain impartial in inter-group sports/extra-curricular activities .My group teachers loved it too.... thats why they did not push my case for Head Boy :) politics...... what can i say
Attending school day and other "important days" just to see girls in "colour dress.." Lovers too used this day to conveniently entertain themselves to a movie or a "walk in the park"
Adding onto the "Things to do before i am 40 list" adding a few really really naive things....... but things that made me smile for once......still do…...
viewing the world in a different way as that of my friends and trying to understand the reason behind my inability to be "ONE among them” and YET .. constantly trying to fit into the group……. Not letting anyone realize the uncomfortability factor…….
Becoming an authority over “ colourful language”….. and the three letter word beginning with “S”. all theoretical …………
Friends start smoking and drinking……… and OBVI getting into trouble.. Me still remaining untouched by the so called Peer pressure.
Feigning happiness…….. Feigning calm…….. Feigning contentment ……..feigning lotsa things…… getting sick and tired of being sick and tired…
Living amidst and between constraints and shackles that i know will continue to remain a part of me forever..... no matter how hard i try to ignore things ....
Hoping.....for a MORE SIMPLE TOMORROW
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Starting to "consciously" form what could be termed as my first "circle of friends"(still my closest set.......) , learning to ride a bicycle(not mine..... friend's.....) and failing miserably at it ... so much so that till 5th standard use to learn to ride with the 2 smalll support wheels .
For the first time understanding (unwillingly) that money and its related appendages DOES make a difference...... falling for a woman for the FIRST time....... lasted a few weeks or so ....... but boy o boy o boy what glorious weeks they were..... she was in her mid 20's then.... i was 12 (some say i still am. but thats a different story)
Graduating from street cricket to cricket played on the grounds ("victory ground", "shit valley" blah blah... these are the names of the grounds we used to play in)
Getting into quizzing for the first time and LOVING it....... it was the "Nestle Magggi Quiz" finished second........ got a watch as a prize...... the Only watch i have ever worn/had/posessed(lasted me a GOOD 8 years )....... a Grey Timex Lextra with a Black dial (saad colour combination i KNOW. but never look a gift horse in the mouth.......) and a nestle gift hamper consisting of the FIRST LOVE OF MY LIFE.... Chocolates....... Milky bars, Kit-Kat's.....et al
Learning to wear a school tie for the first time...... still duno how to tie one. have been depending on others since 8 std .........lazy lazy me
Getting attracted to the "Cricket camps";made to build aspiring Sachin's and Azhar's , me soon realising that these were PURE money makign exercises and nothign else.......and that i did not have the money to throw about on such stuff..... implying my "play cricket for india " dream would have to wait......... for now :) Early days of cable television, watching the "Cartoon Network" series like Pingu(the penguin thingy), the centurions, swat cats, the DD shows like SUPER HUMAN SAMURAI CYBER SQUAD ...... about computer viruses and stuff....... the episodes of "Jaldi Jaldi", "Super hit Muqabla" , "Dekh Bhai Dekh"(to date indian television's BEST comedy show...... TO DATE)
For the first time in life....... feeling shortchanged in general...... and the feeling JUST REFUSES to go away
The first and ONLY vehicle that i have EVER owned....to date... a blue colour "Hero Ranger" that cost Rs 1200 bought from R.R Cycle Mart on Dispensary Road(Old Dispensary road)...... my father taking me doubles on the cycle all the way from Commercial Street to home .... the date was June 2 1994...... it was a cloudy afternoon and it rained .....slight drizzzle . we even stopped near "Sreeraj Lassi Bar" for a "kulfi " and lassi...I remember........
more to follow..........
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I am thinking about: What tomorrow brings , whether i will do with my life what i set out to do with it....
I said... that I don’t care ....... that nothing matters to me and that I am happy alone………I LIED……. ….maybe this is something I have grown up to “get used to”… it’s convenient….. for me atleast
Complete all the things that I have written in my “Things to do before I am 40 ”
I want to.. Take a camera with infinite memory and fix it to my head so that i can record everything and play my life at will.. i dont miss a thing.... i want to visit vienna and paris and new york and moscow and brussels and LOTSA OTHER PLACES, i want to be wanted.... i want to be missed while i am gone (for a while).. and i want to not be missed(when i am gone forever)..... i want to
(I know that a few of them…..like… “I want to play cricket for India”…. etc etc won’t happen…..But how can u blame me? I was in the 8th standard)
I wish... to see and meet all the people with whom I was acquainted for a while and then drifted…like passengers on a train……. I want to see each one of them..and say….. “Goodbye and take care”….. i wish to have a more "even" temper ..... i wish to have a more "sunny" disposition.......i wish i could smile more often, i wish people would let me smile more often
I hear that.... people with a dimple on the left cheek are grouches and are really grumpy people……. I vouch for it :)
I wonder.. What it would be like to not worry about love and hate and pain and joy…. Would that be heaven or madness……… OR BOTH?
I am... not ALL that bad a guy……….. honest ….. what? U DON’T believe me!!!
I dance...NEVER or atleast NOT YET......though I have always wanted to ..(and in some time I WILL)...because i am way too self conscious to fully let go........and also because i have never LEARNT it
Which brings us to…
I regret...a few things
Not learning to swim ,Not learning to dance ....Not being able to fully let go of my ego in “SOME” situations(have no idea as to when I will b able to do that….. I don’t think I want to ..even…. ) Not having told people stuff when i had the chance....and then regretting not having told them........ then regretting a little more for having regretted so...... a vicious cycle
I sing... all the time……..mostly in my head. Although most people I know vouch otherwise…….at any given time there is SOME song goin on in my head......... Offlate:Bob Dylan ”Shelter From The Storm”, Bob Dylan:"Forever Young", Oasis:"Champagne Supernova" , Green Day:"Are We The Waiting"
I cry... very often ……..And over very trivial reasons…….. I cried each time Mufasa died…... I cried during the climax of “Nayagan”, “Kireedam” ,”Chengol”, many many times over ……..I last cried ……… well I don’t remember but was not too far back in time
I am not always .. as open as i would like to be.... about the way i feel about things or people....or atleast in letting the feelings be made clear.. many a times i hold back...dunno why.... maybe the ego is playing its part... i have no idea.. i intend to change that too!!
I make with my hands... lots of things…… mostly messes of different kinds and hopefully my own fate… its scary to think that my future does not lie in my hands
I write. so that I can understand the method to the madness that’s my thought process... to understand why i think the way i think........ to understand if its right or wrong or both..... a constructive way of talking to myself
I confuse….. greed with need, ego with purpose/determination, incompatibility with rejection(or is it??)……….pleasantries for genuine concern, and vice-versa
1.money….. lots of it
2.people I want and wish to love… to love me back and accept me for WHO I am
3.all my friends/soon to be friends to know that I may not be the most “expressive” and most “forthcoming” of guys but that I am always there
4.Lots of money
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I can live
I can die
I can sink
I can fly
I can breathe
I can choke
I can shrink
I can grow
I can wait
I can hide
I can smile
I can cry
I can wish
I can strive
I can bleed
I can burn
I can sink
I can kill
I can curse
I can breed
I can feel
I can sense
I am free
Monday, July 24, 2006
When you're lonely, though u dont wanna be;
when all your favourite dreams.. turn into nightmares
when the friends u made on the way up,
LOOK AROUND... I'LL BE THERE
Monday, July 17, 2006
Thanks to the OVERRWHELMING response to the earlier post.. me now trying to document the next critical phase of my otherwise boring life....
Hmmmm what do i remember from those days??.......well lotts really... ;).Going to school in Uniforms....... wondering where each of my classmates bought their clothes...because everybody looked the same ; (all these facts are noted by my mom in some quaint little mental diary...and throws up such gems whenever she thinks me acts too smart or for that matter tries to act dumb...which.needless to say ..happens all the time...except that...i dont act dumb......i AM dumb)
Finding out there IS a difference between "Sujith" and "Shwetha"... and i thought it was ONLY because of the clothes :) ...... yeah I WAS INNOCENT ONCE.... seeing my mom pinning the handkerchief and the name badge to my chest .Me name then was "Sujith Raghavendra Prasad" ( i know.... pretty huge one.... and that too ;) )and wondering why she did so coz i NEVER used either of them.Learning to sit and eat food IN ONE PLACE..... Finding it very hard initially because 1 st standard........unlike LKG/UKG we had to stay at school the WHOLE
BLOODY DAY... 9 AM to 3:30 PM........i know....Cruel Cruel World........
Learning to speak a language called English.... finally mingling with kids on the street and playing with them after school.taking part in the Annual Day where i was "Letter G" in a sing-song sequence where each one represented the 26 letters of the alphabet ......the guys(including me OBVI) wore LIPSTICK.... MASCARA AND ROUGE and LOTS AND LOTS OF TALCUM POWDER..... yes yes... pictures of that FIASCO remain.. AVAILABLE ON REQUEST ....Twas mine first time on stage...the Photo HAD to be there..Going to school wearing BRIGHTLY polished shoes(polished by my father of course.... this happened till 8 std :) ) yknow .......the famous Bata "Naughty Boy" range.. seeing the school belt and trying in vain to adjust it...... i dont think i can do it EVEN now...i mean its NEVER just right.....
Learning to play sports in a somewhat organised manner and not just running about on the playground Making more friends... losing a few.... gaining on the whole..... forming a GANG of guys in school...... again not realising their importance in my life....
Still standing and peeing but only this time trying to FACE THE WALL :)))
Getting hurt while playing "Lock-and-Key" .... my first Bruise (supposedly some girl pushed me onto the pavement.... and I ........being the chivalrous one even then.....WILFULLY OBLIGED..)... unsurprisingly.....i wailed like a baby..(Hell.......i WAS a baby then) and was excused from going to school the next day....
The family gets a VEHICLE.... an "Ideal Java" motorbike... bought from the military canteen thanks to my uncle who was posted for sumtime in Bangalore........ lotsa other firsts..... the first color TV... the first
fridge(we still have that color TV and fridge.... works pretty well EVEN to this day...)Trying to cope with the fact that i may NOT have things my way at HOME..... as me had a baby sister at home and at school...well......the teachers OBVI got tired of ze tantrums.......
Learning to drink Bournvita out of a glass..... and often spilling it.......coz i used to do exactly what i used to do with a bottle........ turn it full tilt upside down... :))).....Occasionally drank Bournvita OUTTA A BOTTLE tilll i was in 3rd grade.. till my cousins saw and .well..... the 'shaming' continues to this day
Finding that Cerelac IS REALLY TASTY....(STEALING WHEN ME MOM USED TO FEED ME SISTER WITH CERELAC) and demanding the same for breakfast :))....... and GETTING IT
BOY O BOY O BOY.... getting into the CRICKET fever....... playing barefoot on the road.... learning my first 'profanity'....... nothing up the family tree....... jus the usual idiot/stupid.......
Living........ well...... Happily........ among the best days of my life
MY WORLD THEN WORLD DONT SEEM THAT CRUEL ANYMORE
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
PRESCHOOL(NURSERY, LKG, UKG):
My first tryst away from home....walking into nursery class in tears... seeing if my mom has gone back home or not thru the class room window..... crying inconsolably everyday for weeks all thru class ....sometimes forcing my principal to bring my mom from home because supposedly i wouldnt stop crying (sez me mom and my nursery class teacher...STILL THE NURSERY CLASS TEACHER IN MY SCHOOL.... some things never change) .
My closest friend's parents also concur ....
The 'ayaah's' in school taking a liking for me....... peeing under trees with out a care for the world..... gettign scared of "Bikram and Baital" and almost all other things on TV ...... and running into the kitchen whenever it supposedly was
time for it on TV... cousins exploiting the weakness to the hilt (nuthin malicious....... the usual terrorising.the cousins remind me of it from time to time.whenever they think i am acting too smart )
Never realising that i will make friends who will last me a lifetime and more (even today my closest friends are the ones that sat next to me on adjoining benches THEN........ and its been 20 years.WE HAVE ALL GROWN UP TOGETHER... i am eternally grateful )
Seeing my father come back home from work and run like hell to meet him half way on the street so that i can hitch a ride on his back.... yeah.......me even then the sadist... wanting to trouble an amazing man who
had jus worke his arse off for me.
Nursery rhymes learnt, me speaking to the teachers in malayalam..... supposedly for almost half a year, since malayalam and coorgi were very similar languages, my class teacher who was coorgi had no problem understanding what i meant.........
learning to lift the left pinky finger for "it" and not jus stand and "deliver"....
A Class of 14, my teacher altering my marks because i got a zero on a class test and i cried my guts out(heh heh somethings change) .My mom surprised to see me get 10 on 10 and also 5 stars (u know the one with bright green ink.... we did not have GLITTER PENS then...)ON A BLANK SHEET OF PAPER(i had not written a word..) Something that got resolved when my mom came to drop me off to school the next day ..........she and my teacher met and "sorted things out"
Finding heaven in the see-saw and the merry-go-round, sitting on the floor for a CLASS PHOTO THAT IS EVEN TODAY ONE OF MY PRIZED POSESSION...realising now that EVEN THEN.........I COULD NOT SMILE IN FRONT OF A CAMERA
Never realising what being 3 years old meant............Learning to say the school prayer...opening my eyes while the prayer was being told JUST because i was supposed to CLOSE my eyes, going to a nearby park for God knows what .....going back home in the evening with my mom holding my hand all the way back home.........
I HOPE IT RAINS....COZ THEN NO ONE CAN SEE THAT I AM CRYING
Monday, June 19, 2006
(Have been tagged by Everyman on 6 werid things about me.....so here goes)
1.I have this feeling that everyone i know is out to get me.. but then again...."Jus because u are paranoid does NOT mean they are'nt after you"
2.I have a problem with unfamiliar "bathrooms"........... my bowel jus shuts shop........
3.I hate places where i am expected to act/be/pretend happy...... eg.. marriages of people i barely know and mostly have never seen , "family" functions, when one runs into familiar strangers.....yknow....
4.i hate squeaky shoes on small kids ....or rather the parents who make their kids wer squeaky shoes.... too much of noise......and pointless........ parents.....no...IT IS NOT CUTE
5.I detest words like.......... "choooo chweeeeetttt, choooooooo cuuuuuuuteeeeeee"..... or rather people (mostly girls) who use such words one more chooo...and i am gonna shove my boot up their arse
6.I dont think i am weird
shit my 6 options have run out..... these are jus the first 6 options that came to mah mind......and this easily is my fastest post ever
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I am writing this post in a bit of a hurry, a very good friend of mine ... Raconteur is going abroad for a reasonably long period of time, and hence this reluctant hurriedness to write
May u have a safe and wonderful journey ahead.....
.....may u never forget the one who introduced u to sunscreen :)
A MUCH MORE DETAILED POST WILL FOLLOW.....
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
As i fall thru the bottomless pit thats my heart
Darkness engulfs me ........ i lose my way
it doesnt matter where because i am only going down
and letting splintered memories guide my hapless path
Tombstones and bodies littered around
why do they all look so familiar to me
wait a minute. they are all me.......
Dead and dying every day i live
They are looking at me and seem to be laughing ,
it seems like they have been waitin for me;
they think i have come home...
as though hell awaits... one of its own
Goodbye....... farewell.. but what did i do???
Monday, June 05, 2006
Growing older by the day,(am still only 23.... I think) I realize that the only thing in one’s life that remains the same and doesn’t lose Its sheen vis-à-vis man are memories……..happy, poignant, sad , quirky memories. whatever shape size or form they may be in…..But memories…. The ONLY THING that truly matters in the long run....Elements that remains with you despite u wanting it to go away and fade …. Or for that matter some that disappear and fade away despite u desperately wanting to hold onto them….
Makes me realize ( kinda regrettably so) that the memories in my life are.......relatively boring.......... not too many happy moments in my life ....and lotsa sad ones..... and therefore was just wondering . Is everyone's life so sick and sad and boring and blah blah?... i mean . Its strange to realize that ….I MAY never get the ........"Those were the good ol days u know!!" kind of a feeling... EVER …. No enduring stories to tell friends and laugh when they and I are 60 and have had a bit too much to drink...….my entire life playing as a movie in my head will be jus that; one bad memory after the other, one failure after the other... seems to me that life has…..well……..left me a wee bit short changed...I am not sure if this is just my pessimistic perspective (am accused of it from time to time)....... I just don’t have too many memories of a "happy life"..no enduring memories of time spent with people; Just life spent. Spent moving from one shithole to the other , one rut to the next.... each one deeper and less hopeful than the previous one .I know this is not just a case of selective memory.... I have no answer. I am sure its not just me wanting to whine like a little puppy, I feel that there is a lot of unanswered time in my life.... to put it simply, if I were to get into a coma at age 6 and wake up only today, other than the "education" I have had (which doesn’t amount to a hill of beans in this world…), There is nothing else in life I would have missed(and the atrophy). To all those people who have happy memories...... hold on to them with all your life.....trust me...... Its what life is made of...U LUCKY BASTARDS .Count your blessings…. And be happy.I may only be 23 but ....... i know what i can never have..........
Man has learnt to do a lot of things with science…..But can’t create one simple memory instance…. It would be wonderful to have a Plug and play way of actually loading ones mind with happy memories (artificial ones or for that matter real ones that one seems to have forgotten). If I EVER EVER get rich…….I will be willing to trade all that I would have…..for a few happy memories……. And yet I will know that I would have walked away with the better part of the deal. Most of ya may think I am exaggerating I don’t give a shit about wat ya think. But some of you know wat i am talking about……. Guess we are the unlucky ones…..One's childhood can't be cured. Mine'll hang around my neck like a noose, that's all, instead of a rainbow
-------God gave us memories that we might have roses in December
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Off late hav been facing a big time writers block, I cannot get myself to write ANYTHING on the Blog, for no apparent reason ; I cant put ma finger on it but i think it is more than "deep rooted procrastination" that seems to somehow be embedded in my psyche..... influencing all things i See ,Do(no NOT that DO ) , Touch or Feel . Somehow the "willingness to write" is no longer there..Is not because of "lack of willing topics".had just been to Bangalore (miss that friggin place)......... met most of the people i intended to meet , yet didnt feel enough to come and write about it on the blog........ i honestly dunno why........Anyway from now on.... there will be a more concerted effort to put up stuff on ma page... and the stuff (hopefully) will be a lot less superficial/flimsy THAT my earlier posts........ Planning to go down Morbid(desperate, hopeless) alley
for now....... there is just a song by Baz Luhrmann
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99..
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,sunscreen would be it.
Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Friday, April 21, 2006
it's my birthday happy birthday to me;
it's my birthday and no one 's come to wish me
i laugh then i cry coz there are'nt many i will see
all i wanted to do was to save lives by giving blood
thanks to my thought i am dying instead
no one now wants to shake my hand
mother father no one understands
no amount of make up can help me conceal
my thoughts my fears the way my mind feels
neighbours friends no one seems to see me
even my dog fails to know me
the pain is'nt in dying the pain is in the wait
i wonder if in hell we enter thru a seperate gate
i hope it s not .no i hope its true
just like u dont wanna see me, i dont wanna see u
Thursday, April 20, 2006
we are the same ,differ in just the name;
we are failures somewhere .....its all in the game,
we have broken hearts and had ours broken,
we have opened or mouth when we should'nt have spoken
we shed blood we all shed tears;
we all have a place to bury our fears
we sweat and tire, we all hide to cry
we have all loved someone though we dont know why
we fear change , we all dread death,
we run from the only things sure in life,
we want our dreams and cant bear our nightmares,
we are dumb driven cattle, not heroes in strife
we all feel pain hate it as we might
we have lgs that ran away wen our heart wanted to fight
we have all wanted to shout in this big bad world
we dont wanna think just do what we are told
we aim for the stars and reach for the skies
we all fall down getting blinded by the light,
with our heads held high yet our thoughts so low,
we are all sinking down together and there is no where else to go
Monday, April 17, 2006
Owing to tremendous pressure from the millions and millions of my fans,i HAVE decided to updated my blog.I know its been a while but the reason that i didnt update my blog is because of the most obvious one.........nothing happening in my life.
Ok , i shall try to explain the past few weeks in as "interesting" a manner as possible excerpts and musings on the past few weeks..........
I live very close to Salt lake stadium in Kolkata and was hence a passive witness to the local derby match between East Bengal and Mohun Bagan.
the match resulted in East Bengal winning 3-1 and the celebrations which went on tuntil late into the night were to be seen to be believed.Football is alive and kicking in kolkata and its great to see that it is.
Before Last week; I had never really ventured out into main calcutta ( yup!! my calcutta experience was limited to the outpost called Salt Lake City) and for the first time i realised that calcutta is full of paradoxes, a city steeped in a lot of tradition .....that is slowlly but surely crumbling .A city where the immediate needs of growth and expansion are taking its toll on what once was a place with a heart. a city with history and heritage........... a grand old dame whose past will in all probability be a lot more rosy and pleasant than its future or present.
But i could also see a greater side to this, calcutta has a certain rhythm (i dunno how else to put it) newer cities like bangalore (ah sweet sweet bangalore.my home ) are still trying to find their rhythm, but calcutta has found its and has hapily settled into its own tune and beat and is comfortable in it.
Calcutta is a city where everyone thinks they have a chance of making it (the harbourer of dreams....) evryday hundreds of people come into the city hoping to make it big....... most remain jus that.dreams
(to be concluded..don't ask me when)
liked the lyrics.so am posting it
HAND IN MY POCKET--Alanis Morisette
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
Monday, March 27, 2006
Ahhhhhhhhh.......today onwards for the next two weeks me on the "Graveyard Shift".. feels really strange to be in an office with no one around you (actaully there is this ONE other guy), ......(this shift has only 2 members working in a floor otherwise occupied by approximately 150 people)
I can actually hear my own echo(or are they jus voices in ma head?)
Since the shift allows me to get into "CONTEMPLATIVE" mode as opposed to the more usual"NONSENSE" mode...... A few random thoughts.....
The Graveyard shift in a lot of ways symbolises life itself (atleast in my case).........
- We do something for our entire lives that we wouldnt hav ever done if it werent for the money
- We are surrounded by lotsa high tech ( in my case low tech) but fewer and fewer humans..
- Empty spaces all round.
- We wouldnt be able to get thru this awake if it werent for tea/coffee .....(and in some call centres........SEX.... Darn, there is'nt much of that here,in fact there is NONE at all.....) But then again.each organisation has its own ways of employee retention
A LITTLE BIT OF LONELINESS IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING
Thursday, March 23, 2006
"Forgive me of my sins Lord"...... I HAVE BEEN TAGGED (and therefore deserve a pardon)........
There can be nothing tougher than writing about something one doesn't want to and then .....stand up to public scrutiny( actually nobody's scrutiny coz HARDLY ANYONE visits ma blog :) )
OK........Everyman has asked me to list down 8 qualities I would want in my IDEAL lover.(Everyman......u owe me BIGGGGGG TIME) and generous that I am ......I shall add a seperate list for "MY FUTURE LIFE PARTNER...." (they are mutually exclusive lists MOSTLY...... yet NOT so )
We shall begin at the beginning........MOST DEFINITELY........ FEMALE
1) She MUSSSSSSSSSSSTT be GOOD LOOKING (whaddya think the first one was gonna be ???.......... some of u might bring out the "he is only looking at skin deeep beauty ...." thingy.but then thats all i want..... WHAT DO U WANT? A GOOD LOOKING SPLEEN?? )
2) Should be unmarried AS ON DATE (in the words of HR professionals..... a NO POACHING POLICY...... "live and let live" ) i am NOT willing to passup on the obvious benefits of someone experienced in marriage (u know wat i mean..........STOP PRETENDING )
3) Should have plenty of money (that was a no-brainer)
4) MUST be willing to spend her money ON ME
5) Should have a well developed sense of humour (not one of those females who laughs at useless PJ's....however I am willing to compromise on cause 5(this one..idiot) if she clears clauses 1 ,3,4 with shining colours same holds for clause 3 also )
6) Very very important ..must have a smile worth living for (sorry everyman..mine and urs are kinda similar )
7) She should be "adventurous"(no.....not in the kithchen).THIS IS WHERE THE GENERATION GAP SHOWS Everyman
8) She must not have unnecessary expectations (in view of clause 7...)
The really IMPORTANT qualities (I prefer the term attributes...) are not mentioned here...... and with a reason
now for the qualities I am looking for in a wife for myself (the GIRLFRIEND and WIFE lists are in all probability ....mutually exclusive....)
1) She MUSSSSSSTT be GOOD LOOKING (That was easy........ u don't wanna wake up next to Medusa for the rest of your life..do you )
2) Should be unmarried (in the words of the recruitment agencies....NO LATERAL HIRES PLEASE.... only freshers......) in this case I AM willing to passup on the obvious benefits of someone experienced in marriage
3) Must be someone I can have a reasonable,sensible argument with "u can disagree but but no be disagreeable" kind of thing
4) SHOULD BE HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH ME
5) Should have a sense of humour
6) Should have plenty of money(conditions 1,4 and 6 are 99.9999% NON-NEGOTIABLE)
7) Must be a good cook
8) MUST LEAVE ME ALONE WHEN I FEEL LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE (WHICH IS DEFINITELY BOUND TO HAPPEN A LOT OF TIMES)
NOTE: in case of the "IDEAL" wife..... all attributes NEED TO BE PRESENT WITH ONE WOMAN FOR HER TO STAND UP TO SCRUTINY
Listening To: Disturbed:PrayerQuote Hanger : Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat
Translation: Every (hour) wounds, the last kills
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
BONJOUR MON AMIS.....(ahhhhh..... French(or german or japanese..) ....... the language freshers like me must learn to speak as a part the the initial training process for the company i work in presently....... and the cause for the exponentially lowered self-confidence in verbal communication during that training perod for many a "tam" and "mallu" (and "gult" and "kannadiga" and northie of my training group ....... yes .NORTHIE..jus like everyone south of maharashtra is a "madrasi" to the northies..... to us "MADRAASIS" everyone north of Maharashtra is a "northie" (i have given the most acceptable,civilised and printable name...for the local ways of addressing NORTHIES are faaar too colourful) ....EXCEPT BONGS..... u guys/and gals are something else man......Maharashtrians........make up yer mind.....)
This fortnight was a very important one for me and ma hommies in ma crib..........for 3 very important reasons
1.WE GOT A GAS CONNECTION (I can hear my liver already thanking me..... tears of joy rolling down its whatever)
2.We managed to get milk supplied to us every morning. Not the “Packaged Milk ” that most of you guys drink… but ASLI GAAY KA DOODH. the (not so) friendly neighborhood milkman supplies milk every morning..
3.(and more importantly)WE GOT BROADBAND INTERNET.....yaaaaaaaay...like all young (or for that matter old) Bachelors(AND Spinsters…...oh puhleeez…..u dunno wat I am talking about right ) deprived of quality "ACTION" (or for that matter ANY action).....we have gone in for the "UNLIMITED DOWNLOAD" plan....no no no YOU DIRTY THING......not for THAT.......we use it to download books, manuals,and sometimes ’teaching aids’ that guide us in our dream …. To repair and strengthen the degrading moral and ethical fibre OF THE WORLD and also enable our spiritual and emotional upliftment (think i overdid that one…….yeah …………i think I KILLED IT )
India has won yet another test match IN INDIA and the whole country is jubilant..with the match throwing up another star performer this time ...Sreesanth ( From my home state of KERALA....... yaay FINALLY Kerala has a National cricketing hero)
But he will never have truly arrived onto the "REALLY REALLY FAMOUS" list in Kerala until.. the ULTIMATE "I HAVE ARRIVED" act .... when he will be asked to inaugurate one of those GOLD SHOWROOMS IN THE GULF (yes yes dubai,sharjah, abu dhabi,muscat, qatar,al-ain, ,bur dubai,ras-al-khaimah....one of those places) for alll u know..the next time india plays in Sharjah, the ground will be filled with Mallus chanting "Sreesanth.....Sreesanth" and Sharjah to him will be as good as.......or for that matter better than playing in Kochi or Tiruvalla...or........Parapanangaadi....a true home away from home
Reading : Freakonomics
Listening to : Disturbed:Down With The Sickness
Quote Hanger:Notre repentir n'est pas tant un regret du mal que nous avons fait, qu'une crainte de celui qui nous en peut arriver.
(sorry.... french is one of ma weaknesses....)
Translation: Our repentance is not so much sorrow for the ill we have done as fear of the ill that may happen to us.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Anxiously awaiting the beginning of the end;
It's hurting bad .....and its hard to pretend
people trying to smile, though they all know
it will soon be time for me to go
why me ........ i really dont know;
and whats even worse.....i dont wanna go
i have no choice but i hate to say goodbye
they could be my last words before i fly
soon i'll be wrapped in sheets of white
i am lifeless,still,my soul filled with spite
lying helpless,harmless,sorry and dead
they are all crying wish they would smile instead
i want to be alone; i have the right to cry
i want to be alone ;coz thats just how i'll die
people say youll be fine......... when they mean goodbye
people keeping a straight face smiling as they lie
let them smile ,it could be my last sight
could be a message saying its the end of the fight
but no i ll not vanish into the night
i will not go down without a fight.
pray for me its the most you can do
if i were you i would do it too
these may well be my last words.. one can never tell...
Goodbye stranger.......... i wish you well
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Hey hey hey ... me just back from a trip to Mumbai(actually landed a week back ;) ) had gone there to participate in a quiz and also got a chance to meet ma friends there....... was in mumbai for only 2 days and hence not too much "sightseeing"(its a funny phrase. obvously one can only see "sights " not sounds or tastes....)
a few points on ma visit(MA FIRST VISIT TO MUMBAI) (and on the city of mumbai.... .......biased i understand..........)
The flight i took was one that landed in Mumbai late at night and one thing i could see even at that time of the night...the Mumbai airport runway appears from outta nowhere right in between slums. the flight's descending during landing ..
descending.... descending into what appears to be a slum .... and then outta nowhere the runway appears...i did'nt know whether to laugh or to cry ....I am sure there must be a plane wreck or two hidden in those slums somewhere.
The hotel I stayed was one that was like 10 min from the airport... thank god it was close to the airport..... and i had a "ROOM WITH A (supposed)VIEW"............. what was in the view........... take a wild guess(for clue . refer to the "PREDOMINANTLY IMPLIED" idea in the previous paragraph.... IF SUCH A THING EXISTS....)
I just found out that more than 60% of mumbai's population lives in slums....... scary figure ( thats about 1.2 crores/12 million poeple)
Nyway movin on.. the venue that the quiz was held was fantabulous 5 Star hotel in mumbai. with extravagance written alll over the place .I loved the place but immediately hated it as well. for... in some small corner of ma heart; it made me appear/feel "small" (depending on ones self confidence levels ;) )...like i was (like all humans)an insignificant piece of s**t.....that its presence no longer comforting but intimidating . its like standing in front of a huge mountain ..... only this time with wall to wall carpeting,leather upholstery and extremely good looking concierges and stewards(and a swimming pool that opens out into the sea)
Met some of ma friends and also had a look (just a loook ) at the famed local train in mumbai. I just found out that any area is mumbai is divided into 2 halves, East and west and that the Railway line that runs thru the city is the dividing line ... ingenious........
i realised in those 2 days that mumbai.......... THE CITY NEVER SLEEPS the "room with a (supposed)view" mentioned earlier also had a flyover running from one end to the other. and all through the night, i mean from 11 pm to 7 am...........there was absolutely no change in the traffic density ....rush hour all thru the night .. across the flyover .I never knew that there were bikes and autorickshaws in mumbai,ma friends told me that there are bikes and autos only in suburban mumbai and not in the city...........another example of the power of unions
distances in mumbai are measured not in terms of kilometres but in terms of time
the local train takes a lot of credit for this) 25..30 kilometres traveling . not at all a problem .... Bangalore(sweet sweet bangalore) can take a few tips on urban transport from mumbai in this aspect aleast(probably ONLY)
At the airport on the way back to kolkata, me walks up to the counter to collect my boarding pass, the lady at the counter (yes she WAS pretty..... compounding my misery) and i had a conversation (more like a ...get outta my way u punk.... u are blocking the view)
ME: (in my broken english) Hi (yup...thats all i could muster),
SHE:have u checked in your hand baggage?
ME: i thought one need not check in one's hand baggage
SHE: no, people above 15 years of age need not check-in their hand baggage........ all kids should....it's the law
ME: (WTF!!) i am not below 15
SHE: oh you are not?? u look like you are ....
ME: stop!! stop!!! (here i was trying to play "WHOSE YOUR DADDY".........and she thought i was 15(or worse.... under 15).... no comment. LET ME WITHDRAW INTO MY SHELL WITH WHATEVER SHAME I HAVE LEFT )
More self-demeaning details later.................
Listening To : Bob Dylan: Blowin In The Wind
Quote Until Next Blog:Caedite eos.Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius.
Translation: "Slay them all. God will know his own.
P.S: yes yes the "check-in" counter episode has left me scarred for life... is there a phobia by that name?. check-in counter phobia?? if there was'nt...... there IS NOW....
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Me travelling to Mumbai to participate in a quiz , looking forward to meeting some friends there............... tis my first visit to the "city of dreams( many of them remain just that ...... dreams.....)"
BUT MORE ABOUT THAT LATER ................
This is a poem i tried to write as an attempt to try out a new way of poetry writing.......
try and figuring out what it is i am trying to do (and please tell me ....... i still haven't found out ...........)
MY JEKYLL DOES'NT HYDE
Seeing is believing, I dont believe what i see;
I am always happy,but thats not how i feel,
nothing can stop me now,i am trying in vain,
this world is a happy place; I've got used to the pain
Everyone i know loves me, love's something i'll never know
I am always in control , I am doin coz someone told me so
I am a winner,thats something ill never be
I bring smiles all around,thats something ill never see
I believe i can fly,I feel I am made of lead
Tis a beautiful world ,wish someone would shoot me dead
I have lot of friends, its me against the world
All see is smiles, all that glitters isn't gold
I have been lying always, the truth is what i've said
I feel miserable now, now i feel great instead
I have acted all my life ,have never gone down that lane
yet I am a role model .............and I am called insane
Ok .. This is an attempt to explain the mental state of 2 entities, a man and his alter ego(Kinda Jekyll and Hyde TYPES.. hence the name ....... DUH!!!)....
Its the struggle of a man who tries to put up a cheerful face (mostly lying to himself....)
The first part of each line tells us his general response to life to the external world . the second part of every line tells us how he is actually feeling( )............ and the last stanza well figure it out for yourselves
Saturday, February 11, 2006
The autos in kolkata are a treat to watch (though a pain to be in ........) the autodrivers in bemgaluru are so crappy tht they demand "one-and-half " (that's 1.5 times the meter fare ....which 99/100 times is tampered with .......to show more ...of course ) even if there are only 4 passengers instead of the mandatory 3 . The other day in kolkata , we were travelling to office and we were 4 in number.we go to the auto stand and tell one of the auto drivers...(since its a union ......... there is no cut throat competetion amongst auto drivers .....) him where we wanna go ... he thinks for a moment an takes us to an auto (his )and sez......... .."BOSHUN" meaning sit .........there were already 3 guys in the auto EXCLUDING the driver ..........we are like dude!!! there are totally 8 people.......... have u noticed??? he gives us the smirk only a true master can..... and starts the auto ....... all's fine but still one person has not found space to sit ....... once again the smirk ...........and then......HE STANDS UP!!! and sez..... don't worry there is place for everybody . the smirk again ........ and for the rest of the 10 minute journey . he actually manouevres the auto (THANK GOD ) standing up!!
NARAIN KARTHIKEYAN........... EAT YOUR HEART OUT . HAIL THE AUTO MAN
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Wrote this after I read John Lennon's "Imagine" for the first time..........
My "JUVENILE" (thanks....Everyman ...) poem shows the difference between the real deal and an impostor ..................again a relatively old poem
The poem typed out here is EXACTLY the same one i wrote waay waay back.... It has its flaws; which i can appreciate now. but going about to edit a work i wrote a long time back does'nt make sense....... "ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN"
CAN'T STOP DREAMING
A day will come when we all live together
building bridges ......not walls that last forever
when a woman need not bother if its night or day
Just imagine a day when things are that way.......
A day will come when we are not shy to smile
show that we are human....... and not be scared to cry
when kids run to school and walk back home
and no one needs to know how it is to be alone
A day will come when neighbours won't be strangers
when our dreams go higher and our thoughts stray farther
when distances and borders exist only on maps
maybe it wont ... but i am hoping. perhaps.......
Listening to : Nirvana : Come As You Are (it never gets old....)
Reading : The Tipping Point........
Quote until the next blog : Omnes una manet nox - The same night awaits us all. (Horace)
Jargon until next time : BRB - Stands for 'Big Red Button'. The thing you hit when all else fails.