Thursday, September 28, 2006

I :

I am thinking about: What tomorrow brings , whether i will do with my life what i set out to do with it....


I said... that I don’t care ....... that nothing matters to me and that I am happy alone………I LIED……. ….maybe this is something I have grown up to “get used to”… it’s convenient….. for me atleast


I want to.. Take a camera with infinite memory and fix it to my head so that i can record everything and play my life at will.. i dont miss a thing.... i want to visit vienna and paris and new york and moscow and brussels and LOTSA OTHER PLACES, i want to be wanted.... i want to be missed while i am gone (for a while).. and i want to not be missed(when i am gone forever)..... i want to Complete all the things that I have written in my “Things to do before I am 40 ”
(I know that a few of them…..like… “I want to play cricket for India”…. etc etc won’t happen…..But how can u blame me? I was in the 8th standard)

I wish... to see and meet all the people with whom I was acquainted for a while and then drifted…like passengers on a train……. I want to see each one of them..and say….. “Goodbye and take care”….. i wish to have a more "even" temper ..... i wish to have a more "sunny" disposition.......i wish i could smile more often, i wish people would let me smile more often


I hear that.... people with a dimple on the left cheek are grouches and are really grumpy people……. I vouch for it :)

I wonder.. What it would be like to not worry about love and hate and pain and joy…. Would that be heaven or madness……… OR BOTH?

I am... not ALL that bad a guy……….. honest ….. what?
U DON’T believe me!!!


I dance...NEVER or atleast NOT YET......though I have always wanted to ..(and in some time I WILL)...because i am way too self conscious to fully let go........and also because i have never LEARNT it

Which brings us to…

I regret...a few things
Not learning to swim ,Not learning to dance ....Not being able to fully let go of my ego in “SOME” situations(have no idea as to when I will b able to do that….. I don’t think I want to ..even…. ) Not having told people stuff when i had the chance....and then regretting not having told them........ then regretting a little more for having regretted so...... a vicious cycle

I sing...
all the time……..mostly in my head. Although most people I know vouch otherwise…….at any given time there is SOME song goin on in my head......... Offlate:Bob Dylan ”Shelter From The Storm”, Bob Dylan:"Forever Young", Oasis:"Champagne Supernova" , Green Day:"Are We The Waiting"


I cry... very often ……..And over very trivial reasons…….. I cried each time Mufasa died…... I cried during the climax of “Nayagan”, “Kireedam” ,”Chengol”, many many times over ……..I last cried ……… well I don’t remember but was not too far back in time


I am not always .. as open as i would like to be.... about the way i feel about things or people....or atleast in letting the feelings be made clear.. many a times i hold back...dunno why.... maybe the ego is playing its part... i have no idea.. i intend to change that too!!


I make with my hands... lots of things…… mostly messes of different kinds and hopefully my own fate… its scary to think that my future does not lie in my hands

I write. so that I can understand the method to the madness that’s my thought process... to understand why i think the way i think........ to understand if its right or wrong or both..... a constructive way of talking to myself


I confuse…..
greed with need, ego with purpose/determination, incompatibility with rejection(or is it??)……….pleasantries for genuine concern, and vice-versa

I need
1.money….. lots of it
2.people I want and wish to love… to love me back and accept me for WHO I am
3.all my friends/soon to be friends to know that I may not be the most “expressive” and most “forthcoming” of guys but that I am always there
4.Lots of money



11 comments:

Twelve years and eleven said...

Now i wish to borrow your skin for some time. You seem to have some wonderful wishes. Hope all those come true.

The Reprobate said...

@MRao: hey thanks a lot for visiting man.... i intend to blog a lot often... so DO KEEP VISITING!!

Thucydides said...

I feel what u express brother...i really do!

The Reprobate said...

@Ram: whete tf were u all this while?
ma nigga brotha born to a diffahrent motha.... how are yer brazilian roomies?

Dileep Mouleesha said...

passing the torch
divyan -> everyman -> Reprobate -> me

The Reprobate said...

am honoured by yer presence on me blog pages

Everyman said...

At last the great man blogs!!Good to see that...

PS: u really wanted to play for India????

The Reprobate said...

I was in 6th/7th standard.... DID'NT YOU?

Anonymous said...

I always knew I get along with you and liked you... and lately I am sory to say I started wondering why.
Beautiful post... loved it and I realised how so many of us are at the base the very same person.

Anwesha Chatterjee said...

Hmmm....you aren't really as bad as YOU think! But WE think, you are one of the most honest people around!!!!

Negat|veCreep said...

I love you, mah brother! Even though I don't say it. :-P.

Can I have some of that money when you get yer hands on it?