"I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME?"

You get to know a girl. You like her. But you're too much of a chicken to tell her. So you squirm inside and suffer sleepless nights. Weeks, or even months, of agony later, you work up the courage to tell her. You build up your lines.....try to make a presentation...push the "resume" either directly or thru someone ho knows the two of you well enough (Referrals :) heh heh ).. a "Statement of Purpose" to the lady (yes fellas.... "lady".. i know most Males will heave a HYOOOOGE sigh of relief.. :D ) .. you get yer lines all polished up, the grammatical and tonal nuances mastered, try to be to be as honest as possible,build up the non-existent confidence in the interview(especially if its the first time) , project as much of yourself as u can in the conversation..... irrespective of how well you know the person in question (atleast one thinks one does.........) hope that u are understood atleast if not liked.......

You try to "Get It TOGETHER", and then it starts....... and you freeze like a deer caught in the headlights..... mumble something incoherent.........and get the hell outa the space....

AND THEN PRAY AS HELL (even if one dont believe in God per se..... a bit of faith never hurt anyone... especially when one can use all the help that one can get ) .

PRAY AS HELL AND HOPE LIKE CRAZY THAT SHE LIKES YOU BACK.

Applying to a new job is the EXACT same gut-wrenching experience. You look at organisations, 'introspect' endlessly on whether or not you ought to apply whether each one is fit enough for the other, convince yourself eventually and work up the cojones to go ahead and apply. Then you pray that the companies like you back. Like that girl who may or may not have heard what you had to say clearly, the interviewer evaluate your resume and may or may not see you for who you are. Lots of things can go wrong.... the company may not see you as a fit into their work culture,you may not have the necessary skillsets, even if you do..... they might have issues over the money, you may be good enough but underqualified, or the worst case..you may just not be good enough in their eyes....

The other scenario, of course, is that, the girl already liked you and was only waiting for you to tell her first. She gives you a smile and the world suddenly seems such a happy place. Likewise, the organisation might take a shine to you, and open their arms to welcome you into their fold.

But here too...AS EVERYWHERE IN LIFE.. IF YOU DON'T ASK.. YOU DON'T GET

Is the effort worth the agony in either case? Ask me in a few years and I will tell you the answer to both.

P.S:Normally, One tries to apply to MORE than one company at once... when it comes to the ladies..... a similar approach may not NECESSARILY be the best way to go about things. although spreading risk DOES make sense

P.P.S:The finance people call it "Hedging" i think(Business Quizzing*GLOAT**GLOAT*)

Listening to: Ray Charles:"I'm sittin on top of the world"

On Mika and other trivialities:

No this IS NOT a post on Mika Hakkinen

It has been one of the founding principles of this blog to offer to its readers(readeR actually....... ME!) upto date objective analysis of the most irrelevant news floating around the Indian airwaves.The latest rage on Indian television nowadays besides Shilpa Shetty's innecessant tears and "Why does everyone hate me?" moanings is the Mika Sawant(that is his name INNIT?) song "Bhai....tu ne pappi kyon li" .YES YES ... i dont have too much of a taste when it comes to watching TV.....but then again. neither do you....

The desperate attempts at boosting his otherwise obviously flaccid career with such irrelevant lyrics,jarring beats and OF COURSE the collaboration with the 16 time Grammy award winning "rap artists" called the "Meet Brothers"(they know their music is so bad that they dont even wanna reveal their full names.. clever boys them are.) has got the line "LOAN SHARKS AT ME DOOR... PLEASE BUY THE TAPE" written all over it.

Serves him right for kissing a "Bharatiya naari" on her lips...as she said..... "I can tolerate a kiss on my cheek but not on my lips" (which happened RIGHT before she displayed the NEW tattoo on her lower back just above her.....reminding me of ...ahhhh NEVERMIND)

Now pay for the crime Mika....as Kumkum in "KumKum: ek pyaara sa bandhan" has said (among other things) "Tumne bhaaratiya naari ke astitva ko lalkaara hai....ab bhugtho"...Or was it Kitu in "Kitu sab kuch jaanti hai" who said that?? .... Hmmmmm.. me watching too much Quality TV.... need to cut down.....

Moral of the Story: Hell hath no Fury like the Item Girl scorned. I concur.

P.S: The "Meet Brothers" have NEVER even come close to watching a Grammy award presentation on TV.. Let alone win it.Factual accuracy is not one of this blogs founding principles.

Time Passes

Its been more than a year since i left home..... rather.... was forced to leave home..Work took me to Coimbatore and then Kolkata where i am for more than a year.... 13 months to be exact.

Most of my classmates and friends are in their own state of "transition".They are leaving the city for higher studies......they are going out of the country, GRE/GMAT etc etc.......... I am pretty sure that most of them will never return to india for good. Ech one will in time find his/her own excuse... "not enough money in india" .."the red tape in india is stifling"."the work quality in india is low " etc etc.

All are reasons that i agree and understand..... within a period of time Home boys wil become visitors....... India will become nothing more than a "vacation spot" for them and their family. yearly vacations will be mainly to "keep in touch with their culture", or only for family events like marriages or births

I realise that i have been wandering for way too long.... i wander...... and i am lost (i think)

I want to go back home....... as soon as possible.

The problem is that once i get back........ i am sure that the Bangalore i knew no longer exists..... all the guys i used to meet on a regular basis will prolly be half a world away.... and will remain there for a long time to come.

There's no further let down than to fight a war and return home alive...... to an empty town.......

sans people. sans familiar faces... sans everything

--The Reprobate

CLASSES 8 AND 9:

First time wearing pants to school......no its not what u think... my school had a shorts only(for boys OBVI) rule till 7th std ...

Learning to "secretly like" someone.... love her even.. making up my mind to "not to tell it to anyone" ...probably because i did not have the guts...or maybe common sense(for lack of a better word ) prevailed.. trying to let go……..and succeed in keeping it a secret.......till today.... until now

The love affair with quizzing continues….parents deciding not to enrol me into a NEW school because they thought the females wore really short skirts ( pinafores actually ) me fighting and raising seemingly crappy arguments about the extra curricular activities of that school and their strong academics etc etc when ALL I WAS BOTHERED ABOUT WAS THE PINAFORES

The first signs of a moustache appear.... prompting “lotsa jokes” amongst friends….i would have my turn soon.....

The adventure with the WWW and the Internet begins, my first email id s.sujith@usa.net , learning to type crap in the mIRC chat rooms (heh heh ) posing in as women trying to see how desperate men really are.... and getting
astounded everytime..... and by women too !!!

again ….STILL keeping the "secret" a secret....... loving and longing....again….not yet fully letting go of things...and then bowing out...having lost gracefully... without muttering a word...... still feeling good at having DONE the right thing (or so I think)

seeing the home PC make its appearance in the homes of friends..i would have to wait till 3rd year of engineering for "My First PC". the home gets a telephone(minus the STD/ISD facility), all the trappings of a seemingly middle class upbringing

Get into my first serious old man type hobby........ going cycling without any idea about where i am going....... just cycle as far as the road takes me...... only to fid out one day that i have reached the other end of koramangala ring road :) then cycling all the way back.... not going to school the next day because my legs just stiffened like wood

First time someone on my street got a UPS system for their entire home, now we could watch cricket matches WITHOUT having to pray for continuous power supply.

A few friends leaving..... the core bunch still remained........ rather STILL remainS...

Sorting out minor squabbles in the group as guys begin to like the same girl, or for that matter girls fighting over the same guy.

First issue of Debonair, playboy, penthouse...... wishing we were Americans JUST for that reason

"Rakhi" fever begins in school with guys "mysteriously" falling sick on that day......abd not turning up. and the girls were in in FULL ATTENDANCE..... me attended class with absolute confidence.....and a polite "no"

"Valentine's day" makes its debut...., a day of either great joy or great sorrow to teenagers ..... I once again am more than happy to stand and watch from the bylanes on the rooftops......a bird's eye view is all that i got........ or WANTED.

"Sister's day" (I think sister's day is the Teenage male’s Rakhi :) talk about gender equality........ ) .I have seen females too miss class on that day........ have seen a few of them who came...... leaving in tears....... its really depressing when someone wants to cry and CAN’T..... the look on their faces.... tells a million tales

Figuring out that females(classmates) in saris look REALLY OLDER than they actually are.... being bowled over by a few of them.... me looking like pure brown trash :) STILL DO

Becoming the group captain.... would have been voted Head Boy if not for my disciplinary record or so said the teachers.... which suited me just fine as i hate to remain impartial in inter-group sports/extra-curricular activities .My group teachers loved it too.... thats why they did not push my case for Head Boy :) politics...... what can i say

Attending school day and other "important days" just to see girls in "colour dress.." Lovers too used this day to conveniently entertain themselves to a movie or a "walk in the park"

Adding onto the "Things to do before i am 40 list" adding a few really really naive things....... but things that made me smile for once......still do…...

viewing the world in a different way as that of my friends and trying to understand the reason behind my inability to be "ONE among them” and YET .. constantly trying to fit into the group……. Not letting anyone realize the uncomfortability factor…….

Becoming an authority over “ colourful language”….. and the three letter word beginning with “S”. all theoretical …………

Friends start smoking and drinking……… and OBVI getting into trouble.. Me still remaining untouched by the so called Peer pressure.

Feigning happiness…….. Feigning calm…….. Feigning contentment ……..feigning lotsa things…… getting sick and tired of being sick and tired…

Living amidst and between constraints and shackles that i know will continue to remain a part of me forever..... no matter how hard i try to ignore things ....

Hoping.....for a MORE SIMPLE TOMORROW

Standard 4 5 6 and 7:

Part 1:

Starting to "consciously" form what could be termed as my first "circle of friends"(still my closest set.......) , learning to ride a bicycle(not mine..... friend's.....) and failing miserably at it ... so much so that till 5th standard use to learn to ride with the 2 smalll support wheels .

For the first time understanding (unwillingly) that money and its related appendages DOES make a difference...... falling for a woman for the FIRST time....... lasted a few weeks or so ....... but boy o boy o boy what glorious weeks they were..... she was in her mid 20's then.... i was 12 (some say i still am. but thats a different story)

Graduating from street cricket to cricket played on the grounds ("victory ground", "shit valley" blah blah... these are the names of the grounds we used to play in)

Getting into quizzing for the first time and LOVING it....... it was the "Nestle Magggi Quiz" finished second........ got a watch as a prize...... the Only watch i have ever worn/had/posessed(lasted me a GOOD 8 years )....... a Grey Timex Lextra with a Black dial (saad colour combination i KNOW. but never look a gift horse in the mouth.......) and a nestle gift hamper consisting of the FIRST LOVE OF MY LIFE.... Chocolates....... Milky bars, Kit-Kat's.....et al

Learning to wear a school tie for the first time...... still duno how to tie one. have been depending on others since 8 std .........lazy lazy me

Getting attracted to the "Cricket camps";made to build aspiring Sachin's and Azhar's , me soon realising that these were PURE money makign exercises and nothign else.......and that i did not have the money to throw about on such stuff..... implying my "play cricket for india " dream would have to wait......... for now :) Early days of cable television, watching the "Cartoon Network" series like Pingu(the penguin thingy), the centurions, swat cats, the DD shows like SUPER HUMAN SAMURAI CYBER SQUAD ...... about computer viruses and stuff....... the episodes of "Jaldi Jaldi", "Super hit Muqabla" , "Dekh Bhai Dekh"(to date indian television's BEST comedy show...... TO DATE)

For the first time in life....... feeling shortchanged in general...... and the feeling JUST REFUSES to go away

The first and ONLY vehicle that i have EVER owned....to date... a blue colour "Hero Ranger" that cost Rs 1200 bought from R.R Cycle Mart on Dispensary Road(Old Dispensary road)...... my father taking me doubles on the cycle all the way from Commercial Street to home .... the date was June 2 1994...... it was a cloudy afternoon and it rained .....slight drizzzle . we even stopped near "Sreeraj Lassi Bar" for a "kulfi " and lassi...I remember........

more to follow..........

I :

I am thinking about: What tomorrow brings , whether i will do with my life what i set out to do with it....

I said... that I don’t care ....... that nothing matters to me and that I am happy alone………I LIED……. ….maybe this is something I have grown up to “get used to”… it’s convenient….. for me atleast

I want to.. Take a camera with infinite memory and fix it to my head so that i can record everything and play my life at will.. i dont miss a thing.... i want to visit vienna and paris and new york and moscow and brussels and LOTSA OTHER PLACES, i want to be wanted.... i want to be missed while i am gone (for a while).. and i want to not be missed(when i am gone forever)..... i want to Complete all the things that I have written in my “Things to do before I am 40 ”
(I know that a few of them…..like… “I want to play cricket for India”…. etc etc won’t happen…..But how can u blame me? I was in the 8th standard)

I wish... to see and meet all the people with whom I was acquainted for a while and then drifted…like passengers on a train……. I want to see each one of them..and say….. “Goodbye and take care”….. i wish to have a more "even" temper ..... i wish to have a more "sunny" disposition.......i wish i could smile more often, i wish people would let me smile more often


I hear that.... people with a dimple on the left cheek are grouches and are really grumpy people……. I vouch for it :)

I wonder.. What it would be like to not worry about love and hate and pain and joy…. Would that be heaven or madness……… OR BOTH?

I am... not ALL that bad a guy……….. honest ….. what? U DON’T believe me!!!


I dance...NEVER or atleast NOT YET......though I have always wanted to ..(and in some time I WILL)...because i am way too self conscious to fully let go........and also because i have never LEARNT it

Which brings us to…

I regret...a few things
Not learning to swim ,Not learning to dance ....Not being able to fully let go of my ego in “SOME” situations(have no idea as to when I will b able to do that….. I don’t think I want to ..even…. ) Not having told people stuff when i had the chance....and then regretting not having told them........ then regretting a little more for having regretted so...... a vicious cycle

I sing... all the time……..mostly in my head. Although most people I know vouch otherwise…….at any given time there is SOME song goin on in my head......... Offlate:Bob Dylan ”Shelter From The Storm”, Bob Dylan:"Forever Young", Oasis:"Champagne Supernova" , Green Day:"Are We The Waiting"

I cry... very often ……..And over very trivial reasons…….. I cried each time Mufasa died…... I cried during the climax of “Nayagan”, “Kireedam” ,”Chengol”, many many times over ……..I last cried ……… well I don’t remember but was not too far back in time


I am not always .. as open as i would like to be.... about the way i feel about things or people....or atleast in letting the feelings be made clear.. many a times i hold back...dunno why.... maybe the ego is playing its part... i have no idea.. i intend to change that too!!

I make with my hands... lots of things…… mostly messes of different kinds and hopefully my own fate… its scary to think that my future does not lie in my hands

I write. so that I can understand the method to the madness that’s my thought process... to understand why i think the way i think........ to understand if its right or wrong or both..... a constructive way of talking to myself

I confuse….. greed with need, ego with purpose/determination, incompatibility with rejection(or is it??)……….pleasantries for genuine concern, and vice-versa

I need
1.money….. lots of it
2.people I want and wish to love… to love me back and accept me for WHO I am
3.all my friends/soon to be friends to know that I may not be the most “expressive” and most “forthcoming” of guys but that I am always there
4.Lots of money

AM I???

I can live
I can die
I can sink
I can fly

I can breathe
I can choke
I can shrink
I can grow

I can wait
I can hide
I can smile
I can cry

I can wish
I can strive
I can bleed

I can cut

I can burn
I can sink
I can kill
I can curse

I can breed
I can feel
I can sense
I am free

The Reprobate